Carrying Each Other’s Mats

Last fall, we returned from a conference where the year prior we were grieving with our friends who had lost their daughter in childbirth. At this year's conference, they had recently welcomed another daughter into their family, but they described how the memories of last year’s pain and depression still remained.

At the conference a year ago, I was struck by a discussion of Luke 5.17-26 (the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man whose friends lowered him through the roof to Jesus). In verse 20, we see Jesus respond to the faith of the friends, declare the man forgiven of his sins, and physically heal him. Often, I think about needing to have my own faith and assurance for my own prayers to be answered (James 1.6-7), but in this situation it was the faith of the friends that triggered the forgiveness and healing. The paralyzed man was physically, and potentially spiritually, too weak to come before Jesus on his own. We do not know this paralytic’s backstory or how he felt about his situation. All we are told about his identity is his condition; he is given no description other than “a man who was paralyzed.” But Jesus responds to the faith of this man’s friends, and the paralytic man is healed.

Last year, during our discussion on this passage, it was pointed out that we may find ourselves in the position of the paralytic man and sometimes as the friends. When in the role of the friend, our task is to help “carry the mat” for the person or people who may be too weak, too overwhelmed, too discouraged or despondent to bring themselves to Jesus. We can be present with them in their pain (without needing to offer cliché words of comfort), and we can persistently lift these hurting friends up in prayer; we can bring them, their hurts, and their requests before God when they may not be able to.

After last year’s conference, I felt a burden to redouble our efforts to carry our friends’ mat following the loss of their daughter. We prayed for them, we spent time with them, we prayed with faith they may not have been able to muster themselves. These friends continued to face other overwhelming challenges, and we continued to pray with them and for them.

These same friends have known about our struggle with infertility. It took almost three years of trying for our daughter to be conceived. And after over three years of trying again, we had still been unable to conceive a second time. In the midst of their own struggles and losses, these same friends continued to tell us that they were praying for us and for another child. This summer, Emily found out she was pregnant, and we wept with joy with these friends at this news. Three years of silent suffering were gone. Then unimaginably, we lost the baby. And the grief of this loss was compounded by the grief of returning to the ambiguous grief of infertility. The pain and darkness were overwhelming. The next two months were heavy with the loss as we grappled to move forward however feebly.

And our friends kept praying for us to have another child. I prayed too; it wasn’t that I stopped praying, but my prayers were base-level prayers. I knew God could still work this miracle of life again, He is the author of such things, but I could not rouse myself to pray beyond simple intellectual prayers. I’m not sure how much faith or emotion I was able to invest. This was not for a lack of faith, but from a heaviness weighing on my faith for this prayer to be answered.

This year at the conference, thirty minutes before the opening reception, Emily got a positive pregnancy test. We were stunned. Was this real? What do we do? We shared this miraculous news with these same friends, who were also at the conference, and the husband responded immediately by saying “we haven’t stopped praying for you.”

I was overwhelmed with gratitude at his words. I felt known and loved by God and by our friends. A year after feeling called to carry our friends’ mat, I saw powerfully how they had been carrying our mat too. They had been praying for this baby with greater faith and confidence than I had; they had been bringing us, and our longing for a second child, to the feet of Jesus when we were too weak and discouraged to do so ourselves. It was such a blessing to realize how much we needed these friends to carry us. Faith is personal, but it is also familial. It is communal. There is a great mystery in how our faith and the faith of our friends and family interact with the sovereignty of God. We are not alone when it comes to carrying our requests to God, and we are not meant to be.

We have a powerful opportunity to care for those around us by lifting them up in prayer and helping shepherd their needs to Jesus our great shepherd who cares for us. I want to be more intentional to have people in my life whom I am persistently praying for and I know are persistently praying for me. Together, we are blessed when we carry each other to Jesus. We may not always be able to bring ourselves to Him, we may be too weak, tired, or discouraged, but together our prayers can help each other encounter Jesus when we lift each other up to Him. Through this, we are brought closer to God and each other, and God is glorified by this.

Sabbathing Well

I am by no means an expert on sabbath, either the theological concept or the implementation of this concept, but I wanted to share some thoughts on sabbath that I find helpful. This essay is intended as much as a future resource for me as anyone else.

There is a lot I could same about sabbath that I will save for another post. God in His infinite wisdom has been very good to us by telling us to take a day off and trust Him, not our perception of our control, to keep the world spinning. The Bible is full of God’s evidence why we need sabbath and why it was made for us (Mark 2.27).

I first started observing a sabbath in university. Ever Friday after class, I was free to do whatever I wanted. In the weeks around midterm season, when this time was most threatened or neglected, I found that I quickly grew discouraged. There were weeks where every hour for at least seven days was assigned a task; there was no room for margin or error, and this would become overwhelming. By having one afternoon, just part of a day to relax, I was able to diffuse the pressure and the monotony surrounding me. No matter how busy I was, I had my Friday afternoons to have fun. This same scenario continued after university when I began working with Chi Alpha Campus Ministries. God knew we needed sabbath and we never outgrow this need.

I am currently working with Chi Alpha while going to grad school part time. Balancing these two potentially fulltime endeavors has put my sabbath observance to the test. I remember the first few weekends once grad school started being tempted not to take a sabbath. There was ministry work and classwork piling up, how could I take a day off? I tried this one weekend and clearly remember God, during my prayer time, telling me this was an unwise choice. Yes, I was busier than I had been, but He knew that I still needed rest. If I was going to survive, I still needed sabbath. Since then, I have done my best to honor God’s command. There are some weeks this is not possible such as our weekend fall retreat in October or SALT conference in January, but these are the exception not the norm and the Lord knows the intention of my heart.

An important principle I have found with my experiences of sabbath is recreation. The goal of sabbath is to rest; to rest and trust God. A lot of time we think sabbath should be free and unrestricted time. I find that unrestricted time often turns into unintentional time which becomes wasted time. Instead, I am very intentional about how I spend my sabbath. I want my sabbath to be purposeful. To do this, I differentiate between entertainment and recreation. Entertainment is fun. It is good in moderation, but counterproductive when overindulged in like candy. Our society is great at pointing us toward (and selling us) entertainment. There is less focus on recreation.

By recreation, I do not only mean going to a park or participating in an organized sport, although these activities could qualify. My focus is on the idea of re-creation; finding what activities help me or others to rebuild our hearts, minds, and souls that are tired after the week’s work. An easy question to ask is what is lifegiving? What are activities that make me feel refreshed after spending an hour or two? I love watching movies, but after a couple of hours I begin to feel antsy. But I can write or read for a few hours and feel more energetic and accomplished afterward. As I said, moderation is important. Some people can participate in one recreational activity for hours and feel rested; I often need to do a few things for a few hours to feel the most rested. I also believe that creativity is an important part of sabbathing. God has made us to be creative and activities where we get to express this God-given creativity are often recreational. It can be as simple taking a fun photo to post on Instagram, it does not have to be some grand artistic feat. I have an Instagram account where I create scenes and take pictures of Lego people and I usually only get to do this on my sabbath.

To brainstorm recreational activities, I keep a list of things that I wish I had time to do during the busy work week. If I had more time, what would I want to spend my time doing? I then filter this list through the question will I feel accomplished afterward? If the answer is ‘yes,’ then this activity is a good candidate for sabbatical recreation.

I keep a list of activities on my phone to help me be purposeful with my sabbaths. I also add to this list, for a given week, if there is something specific that I wish I had time for. The items on my current list are:

·       Pray

·       Walk Hobbit (our dog)

·       Write (fiction)

·       Read [current theological or faith-building book]

·       Read fiction

·       Get donuts

·       Lego instagram

·       Yard work

·       Water the air plants

·       Bake something

·       Make sugar cubes

This is my current list. During a given sabbath time, I will pull up this list and check through some of the activities. I do not usually get to all these items in one sabbath. That is fine; this list is to help me remember what is recreational for me and not some goal I must strive for. But as I spend time on some of these activities, I do feel accomplished and purposeful. At the end of my sabbath, I can reflect on my time and feel satisfied with the fun things I had time to do because of my sabbath.

A Year Since We Returned, But I Never Came Home

It’s been a year since Emily and I left Grenoble France and returned to our native California. There have been a lot of ups and downs in this process of repatriation. It has been wonderful regularly seeing family; there is no substitute for proximity. Reverse culture shock is no joke.

We returned a year ago, but I never came “home” to the place I once knew. I came back changed and I came back to a changed California. Three years had passed, and though we had been back to visit, some of the changes were too subtle to notice during these short returns. It’s a bit like the uncanny valley if you are familiar with the term. There are idioms and pop-culture references we have had to catch up on. Our home culture did not pause while we were away.

Reverse culture shock is a strange experience. I have felt like an outsider in my home. I remember being surprised with how big the cars and the roads are here. My Honda accord would be a big car in France, and it is dwarfed by some of the trucks and SUV’s driving around our ten lane freeways. Also, there is always music playing. Everywhere. I remember feeling very unsettled when there was pop music blasting at the grocery store. Why is there music while I’m buying food? The worst is at restaurants. It is sometimes impossible to have a conversation because the music is not just present but drowning out all other sound. As Americans, are we so afraid of boredom or awkward silence? But as we have been back, these acute moments of culture shock have mostly subsided (a few weeks ago I did find myself confused why the store only sold 10-gallon trash bags instead of 30-liter ones).

I love being close to family and our friends here; we have missed seeing so many wonderful people. It has been wonderful to catch up on important relationships in our lives. I love where we live now, but my heart still longs for Grenoble. After 990 days of living in Grenoble, we had established our home, for the most part, in this city. We had our routines, our habits, and our favorite shops and cafés. We knew how to get around town and take care of various tasks. We loved living in Grenoble so much, and this beautiful city, capital of the French Alps, will forever have a special place in our hearts. I miss being surrounded by mountains. I miss our friends. I miss walking down the street to my favorite boulangerie and buying fresh pastries and bread. I miss being surrounded by people speaking French and the opportunity to be immersed in a new culture, though it was exhausting to be an outsider. Most of all, the opportunity to work and learn from Mark, Dalene, and so many others there, has changed me for the better. I will never stop missing these friends and our time together in the alps.

We left one home for another and returned to the first with my sense of home divided between these two locales. I don’t know if I can be fully at home in either place now. The answer is not simply move back to France (we are not), because I would miss my family, friends, and my home in California. But I am also not fully content to be here either. At first, this sense of wandering between homes left me feeling lost. I have come to accept it as my new norm, a part of processing and my life building upon our time in Grenoble. This realization has helped me accept the desire to only be where God has us for that time. So I am learning to be content with feeling like native and a foreigner, and being excited and sad to be in California and away from Grenoble. And I rejoice to live where God has for us.

To our friends and family, near and far, we love you. Our lives are richer because you are a part of it. I hope that you too will be content to follow God wherever He leads you.

January 1st and John 11

I don't know about you, but January 1st 2017 was a very hard day for me. We have been in transition since moving away from France last July and readjusting to life back in the US. We originally planned to join some friends doing college ministry at UC Berkeley, but in October, as we were struggling to raise the monthly support to afford Berkeley prices, we learned that the Berkeley group was ending and our friends were moving to work at another university. From our experiences visiting Berkeley and talking with our friends, we knew this was God's timing. But where did He have for us now? Surely He had not called us away from France only to have us fall through the cracks in California?

We met with some mentors and talked about our confusion, our options, and our next step. We spent November and December seeking God and visiting different college ministries to see where God was leading us. We prayed and fasted and sought the Lord. In December God told us 'no' to one campus, so we turned to the idea of going back to Sacramento where we had lived before moving to France. Less than a week before Christmas, I spoke with our friend Jimmy, who is the current leader of the college ministry in Sacramento, about us joining the staff. We had a great dinner with the staff, shared about ourselves, and they agreed to pray about us coming on with them. So we found ourselves waiting to hear what God would say to them.

Which brings us to January 1st. I woke up to this new year and realized nothing was what I had expected it would be. We were still living in the mother-in-law unit at my in-laws. We were waiting to hear if Sacramento was where God was leading us. To top it off, we have been trying to have a baby and that morning we had our hopes up enough to take a pregnancy test only for the results to be "not pregnant." 

We arrived at church and the chorus/bridge to the first or second song was "you[God]'re never going to let me down." And I could not sing it. I knew these words were true from an eternal perspective, but in that moment at church I could not say it. I was not angry with God, but I was deeply disappointed. Amidst repetitions of "you're never going to let me down," I was reminded of the story from John 11.

I love John 11 and the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I love that from the beginning Jesus clearly knows the end of the story. He even tries to spoil it for the disciples by telling them "this illness [of Lazarus] does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it," (Jn 11.4). Then Jesus waits for Lazarus to die (Jn 11.6).

When Jesus finally arrives in Bethany, Lazarus's sisters, Martha and Mary, each come to him and say "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died," (Jn 11.21,32).

And then Jesus joins with their weeping, (Jn 11.35).

Jesus already knows how this story ends, he gave it away at the beginning. He is God and he knows he is about to go call Lazarus back from death. But Jesus's eternal perspective does not prevent him from identifying with their sorrow. He empathizes with their pain. 

I love this about Jesus. He loves us and he is with us. He understands when we find ourselves in a dark valley surrounded by hardships. He does not reprimand us for our feelings. He cries with us. He feels our pain. Jesus's incarnation demonstrates how far God will go to empathize with us and show his love.

As I stood there at church, not singing "you're never going to let me down," I felt God tell me that I was being like Martha and Mary, saying 'Lord, if you had been here...everything would not be going wrong right now.' God then said "I understand your pain, I get it, and I am with you."

We came to the ending/outro of the song, which says "when the night is holding on to me, God is hold on." And I could sing this, because I know God is with me. Nothing had changed, we still were not pregnant and did not know where God was leading us. God never promises life will be easy, but He does say He is with us. Even when the hurt and the sadness are not yet resolved, God still holds onto us. He knows the good end of the story, He knows His will and timing, and He identifies with us now.

Praise God we can be open and vulnerable with Him, we can share our feelings, and we can have hope in who He is.

The song quotes come from “King of My Heart” by John and Sarah Mcmillan

Advent Hope

It's that time of year again; Advent is upon us and Christmas is coming. I love that the first Sunday of Advent is hope. The season begins with expectation. Before peace or joy comes the anticipation of God's good work in the world. We are not alone or abandoned. The miracle of Advent is that Emmanuel has come and is coming again.

On a grand eschatological scale, I understand the hope we have in Jesus. He has overcome sin and death to bring us eternal hope. God’s story ends well because Jesus has won the victory. But sometimes it’s hard to see how this hope trickles down into the minutia of our everyday lives. It can be difficult to sense how Christ’s incarnation solves problems of work situations, difficult relationships, or desires deferred.

This is a problem of vision not God’s sovereignty. Perhaps it feels like a baby in the manger does not resolve whatever is weighing on our minds, but that child did change eternity. When we allow ourselves to think our problems are beyond the scope of our hope, we put artificial limits on God and His good work. Our hope is not dictated by our present conditions between the two advents of Jesus. Jesus has not overcome some conflicts and some sins, but all. He came to rescue us and He is coming again. This hope we have should recalibrate how we see our circumstances.

Recently I was praying about various fears, and the more I prayed, the more I became discouraged. Amidst my mounting anxiety, I felt the Lord say “stop focusing on the problems. Fix your attention on me.” When I stopped concentrating on my fears, and reminded myself of who God is, my anxiety began to wane. I was reminded of the passage when Peter walked on water until he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at his surroundings (Mt 14:22-33). I’m sure we have all heard sermons about needing to keep our hope and our attention on God, but it's a lesson we easily forget. God is very patient with me and my forgetfulness.

I don’t know what hardships you may be facing. On top of life, with its business, comes the bustle of the Christmas season. In the midst of everything, may we not lose sight of the hope we have in Jesus who came into this world and is coming again.

Celebrate, and Celebrate Often: The Discipline of Celebration

As Christians, we should celebrate and we should celebrate often. I have three reasons why. 

The first is the Gospel: God Himself/His Son came to earth to be with us, die for us, and resurrect into new life that we too may share in eternal right relationship with God. Jesus has overcome sin and death; when on the cross He said “it is finished” (Jn 19.30) Jesus meant it. He has won the victory. We are going home to be with God. The story ends with a wedding party. This is something to celebrate, and we will do so for eternity. There is pain for now, but it will come to an end. This is reason to rejoice. Also, as a wedding now foreshadows the coming marriage between Christ and His bride, when we celebrate now it foreshadows the eternal celebration to come.

The second reason we should celebrate now is that as the body of Christ we are called to be a body that feels deeply together. We are to love and honor each other. As Paul writes in Romans 12.15 “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” As a body, we should celebrate with each other. We want to share life together; the good, the bad, all of it. We want to celebrate life-events together, and we want to acknowledge who God has made each of us to be.

The final reason we should celebrate is to cultivate the discipline of celebration, which combats jealousy. In our social media age, where we share and perceive the near-perfect illusion of the lives we lead, it can be easy to slip into thoughts of jealousy when someone’s relationship status changes to “engaged” or we see pictures from our friend’s vacation to Hawaii. We should be celebrating these milestones in each other’s lives. Yes, seeing others get the things we long for can stir up envy and resentment, but we do not have to be controlled by these emotions. Instead of dwelling in jealousy, we can thank God for the blessing in another’s life. Celebrating in these moments can be difficult, but with practice we can cultivate this discipline. I want to be someone who will throw you a party when you get what I deeply desire.

What are some ways we can celebrate more? How can we honor each other? We can celebrate each other by acknowledging our love for each other. We can freely and frequently share how others help and encourage us. We can say what we enjoy about each other and what gifts, talents, or character each other has. I am a big fan of words of affirmation, but maybe acts of service, gifts, or time spent together are better ways of communicating what we feel. How do you like to be honored?

I think various cultural events are great occasions to celebrate together. Birthdays, weddings, Christmas parties and graduations are all wonderful opportunities to have fun and to commemorate life together. What do you do to celebrate the friends and family in your life? Is it something you can do more often?

Novelty and Wonder

Novelty and Wonder

It is amazing how fleeting novelty is. Something which can completely captivate our minds one day may be found to have lost all allure by the next. It seems frequency and normalcy erode our enjoyment of the things around us. I was struck by this notion a few days ago when, walking home from the tram station, I passed by this house with its enchanting tower. How fun would it be to live in a house like this? Can you imagine having an office within the tower and looking out the window at the French Alps?

For you, who do not see this tower regularly, hopefully the novelty of such a house is still intriguing. For me, the initial wonder has faded with time. As I walked by this house with the tower, I realized that the wonderfulness of the house has not changed; I have just become used to seeing it. But when I made the conscious choice to notice the house, I found myself once again marveling at how cool this old building is.

The novelty of something is temporary, and essentially a passive response to something new piqued my interest. In contrast, to marvel or be awed by something without the aid of novelty, is an active choice. While regularity tries to trade awe for normalcy, I can choose to maintain my wonder. The marvelous nature of something is intrinsic to itself and is not affected by my thought or perceptions. A sunset is beautiful, regardless of the presence of observers.

The world that God has created around us is amazing. Not only that, but it is incredible what God has done to save humanity from ourselves. We remember Jesus’ death on the Cross and His triumphant resurrection, and we are humbled by His work. Our God is good and He does wondrous things. We can sing of His glory from now until eternity for all that He has done.

                        

In our human frailty, we can forget how awesome our God is. I remember as a child in church getting bored with people always talking about the Cross or Jesus. My childish response came from immaturity and lack of understanding. It is right for me to be awed by my God. Perhaps the novelty of Christ’s work has worn off, but my wonder only grows.

As children of God, we are called to the discipline of wonder. Our God, His creation, and His redemptive work are eternally awe inspiring, and cultivating our awareness of this helps us clearly see them. We glorify God when we respond in awe to His work just as any artist likes to see others enjoy his or her creativity.

When did you last marvel at God for who He is? How do you see His wondrous character illustrated by the world around you?

Does God love us more than we deserve?

I want to share a short but encouraging thought I had about God's love for us:

Does God love us more than we deserve?

We humans may be loved more by God than our selfishness may hope for,
We may be loved more by God that we can expect to be loved by others or ourselves,

But if God as Creator is the one, and only one, who can truly declare someone or something's worth, value, or merit,

then we are loved exactly as much as God says we deserve.

and that value is beyond my finite comprehension

Living cross-culturally part 2.

This is my second post on living cross-culturally. See the first post here.

Besides the humbling process of being the guest in a foreign country, in our case France, living cross-culturally has helped humble me by bringing to light some of the sin and spiritual junk inside me. It is amazing all that we can keep bottled up and under control when we are living at home in the world we have grown up in, but take that level of comfort away, expose yourself to the endless drain of culture stress, and it is amazing what flaws and fears will bubble up to the surface. With the loss of cultural fluency and the ensuing powerlessness in the host culture, these character weaknesses are revealed. I believe this process has very little to do with the host country. France has been our crucible, but any country or place sufficiently different from our native lands will suffice for this process. While this is a hard process to endure, refinement always is, it is good. Exposing these faults to the light allows us to humbly surrender them to Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification. One example that God has shown me while in France is my anxiety.

779 days ago before we left for France, I would not have described myself as an anxious person. Today I have seen what a deep issue this was for me. The loss of my home culture created a profound awareness of my lack of control. This spurred in me the belief I had to control anything and everything I could. The only way to ensure something would work was to control for every detail possible. My anxiety drove me to control what I could and stress over the variables I could not. I had trouble falling asleep or waking in the middle of the night worrying. ‘What if I am missing some necessary piece of paperwork to renew our visas and our applications are denied and then we have to flee the country or face becoming illegal immigrants but we cannot find a way home so we are stuck living in some remote airport for all eternity?’ My mind would play these scenarios over and over. And once that crisis was over I would find a new subject to dwell on in the night: buying train tickets, finding someone to translate for me at an event, making it on time somewhere, paying taxes, etc.

But God was good and He began to work in me with regards to my anxiety. He first revealed that my anxiety stemmed from the belief that God was only with me on the macro scale; I knew He would be faithful with big picture things, but what about the day-to-day events? God had called us to France but what if that turned out to include a season where we had to wait in administrative purgatory until our papers were processed because of a mistake I made? I knew God loved me, but how did I know if I would be able to go home on vacation and see my family? Did I have a guarantee for such a small thing, and if not how could I ensure things worked out as I wanted? I believed I had to control these details.

Slowly God worked in me; through prayer and continuous laying down of my fears He eased my anxieties and showed Himself to be faithful both on the macro and micro scales. Because we have lived in France so long, I have been able to measure the progress of God’s transformation in me. We have had to renew our French visas twice now. The first time, a year ago, I was an emotional wreck and everything went fine. This year we had some hiccups with paperwork, had to come back a few weeks later and reapply, but I had God’s peace the entire time.

Surrendering my worry and trusting God continues to be an active choice I make; it is not yet “natural” for me, but God is faithful to walk with me through this process. Last week as we waited to pick up our new visa cards I felt the urge to worry what if the cards were not ready, and if not would that affect our ability to go home this Christmas? But I was able to brush these thoughts aside, to not allow them any headroom, and remind myself God was with me. I am learning to rely on God’s goodness and faithfulness, and I have been changed by His work in me.

I say all this to show a surprising benefit to living cross-culturally and share how God is using my circumstances to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. How is God using your circumstances to change you? How have you seen the progress He is making?

Living cross-culturally part 1.

Emily and I arrived in France 767 days ago. Be sure to check out my photo-a-day blog. Living in France has been an incredible experience, one that has eternally changed me. It has been one of the most transformative choices we have made. It has been one of the most challenging choices we have made. I have learned so much from our time here, working with truly incredible people, and living in this wonderful place. And the bread here has ruined me for bread outside of France.

Our experience has been exactly what many other missionaries living in Europe had told us: living cross-culturally is extremely hard and you never get over culture-stress. Culture shock is the sense of confusion and frustration that engulfs someone when the "honeymoon” period of living in a new place fades. It is the utter disbelief at how another culture could function so differently from your home culture. Why can't people form a line to wait for the bus or the cashier? How is it possible in Grenoble, a metropolitan area of 500,000 people, for only one branch of our bank to accept cash deposits? The branch on campus opened our bank accounts, sold us renter's insurance, gave us our debit cards, PINs, and chequebooks, but the teller (not the atm) could not accept the 20€ I wanted to deposit for activating my new account. Instead, I had to go to the main branch in downtown to deposit cash. Thankfully, culture shock does pass; it takes time and perseverance, but it does not last forever. 

Culture stress is the fact that I am a Californian living in Grenoble, the fact that I am the stranger in a foreign land. Anytime there is a misunderstanding or conflict, it is the French culture which wins. I understand that it would be ridiculous of me to expect the French people around me to conform to my American ways. But it is hard that every day, with every misstep, I am the one who is wrong. It can be upsetting when, on top of the normal stresses of life, a cultural mishap thwarts your plans and leaves you feeling ridiculed for your cultural ineptitude. Someone is rude toward you and it's your fault for creating the awkward opportunity for them to be rude. It is not about logic or reason, it comes down to the fact that I am not at home here and everyone knows it the moment I open my mouth. Culture stress is described as a low-grade fever you never get over, and I must confess that after 767 days that is how it feels. I know that in time, perhaps on the order of years or decades, this fades away. 

One of the fruits of living here in France is the humbling process of culture stress. Being the person who does not know the culture, the language, or the customs puts you in a very dependent position. I need others to help me if only to verify that what I said in French actually makes sense. Being the outsider wears on you over time. The choices become either never leave your house, leave France, or humble yourself to your host culture. Humility is a hard concept to learn, I am very much still in progress, but living as a stranger in France has helped me along in this process. It has also made me extremely appreciative of the rare person who is kind and understanding toward me; who is patient with my less than perfect French skills, and who puts in extra effort to help me navigate life here. When we return to California, I want to find every opportunity to be like these gracious people and help others who are strangers and outsiders.

Thoughts on Turning Thirty

I turn thirty tomorrow and want to share a few thoughts on the subject of leaving one decade for another. Getting older has never bothered me, and whenever someone asks what are my feelings about turning twenty-two, twenty-five, etc. I like to joke it “beats the alternative.”

It is strange to think it has been ten years since I left my teen years behind, but I was ready for that transition and I feel ready for this one too. There are a few things which are affecting my preparation for the completion of my tridecennial year.

The first is I have enjoyed my twenties. There is the idea your twenties are a time of self-discovery, personal reflection, adventure, and trying new things, and I have loved these aspects of my last decade. I have questioned, explored and contemplated who I am, and my life has been enriched by this process. Looking back, it is hard to believe who I was ten years ago, in many ways I hardly recognize the 20 year-old Tim, and I am okay with that. I am relieved to not be the same person I was then. Having enjoyed this season of learning, I am ready to move on. I do not want to keep asking the same questions forever. I have some ideas now of who I am, what I love, and what I want to do with my life. I feel I have accomplished the goal of my "self-discovery twenties." Now is the time for my thirties, a season of launching out into what I feel called to do, becoming who I want to be, and the beginning of those things which my twenties have prepared me for.

I have been basing these ideas about the nature of our twenties and thirties off of what I have observed and what I have read from sociologists and bloggers, but I also realize it was at the age of thirty when Jesus began his three years of ministry. Jesus, in part, was following the rabbinic traditions of his time (which specified not beginning ministry until thirty) and I think this tradition acknowledges the same anticipation I feel now. This does not mean I am prepared or expect to not make any more mistakes or discoveries, I most certainly will. I do not feel like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, but I do feel like a fledgling bird ready to try jumping out of the nest.

The second factor is that I have completed the major life goals I had hoped to accomplish by now. I was twenty-five when Emily and I were married and we had hoped to wait five years(ish) before having children, and we also wanted to live in Europe for two years. We have enjoyed this time of being married without children (no, we are not pregnant!), and we have lived in France for eighteen months now. God has been good and my life has unfolded, for the most part, as I had hoped.

The third thing is I am curious who 40 year-old Tim will be. What goals and dreams, adventures and misadventures, lie between me now and me then? Just as I look back on myself ten years ago and think “wow, I have come a long way,” I hope in ten years I will be able to do the same. This is not a reflection of dissatisfaction with who I am at the present, but a desire to not be static as a person. I hope I have not “peaked” at thirty.

So here's to being thirty and the adventures to come!

Response to "Prayer in C"

Today I thought I would share some thoughts, music theory, and theology from a song written by my friend Dora. Her song title "Prayer in C" is a response to the original song "Prayer in C" by the band Lilly Wood and the Prick.

The original lyrics speak of resentment toward God for His perceived silence and lack of involvement in the world. I was struck by the song's repeat lines "don't think I[singer] could forgive you[God]" and "don't think I could believe you."

In response to this catchy but cynical song, Dora wrote her own "Prayer in C". I love this idea. Too often when we encounter something we do not like: song, movie, philosophy, etc. we want to criticize or mock it; to play by the same rules which govern Junior High. Instead Dora created a new song. She did not agree with the ideas being told by original lyrics so she wrote her own to tell a different story. We need to engage with our culture, the arts, and the narratives we are being told.

(Scroll to the bottom to see the lyrics and chords to Dora's song)

Soteriology represented by F(major), a(minor), and e(minor)

Dora's song is written as a monologue to God and structured as two verses, chorus, a second two verses, and a repeat of the chorus. The first pair of verses and the chorus use the pronouns "You" (God) and "I"(the singer) to speaks of singer's personal experiences, while the second two verses shifts the first-person "I" to the plural "We" and addresses broader issues of the human condition.

The contrast between the verses and the chorus, created by alternating of these two sections, is further developed by lyrical distinction. The verses describe the thoughts of someone who, like the singer of the original song by Lilly Wood and the Prick, feels alone and abandoned by God while trying to make sense of life in this world. The first two verses begin with candid acknowledgment of the broken state of the world, whether considering either the spiritual or the natural realities. They also speak of a sense of, and perhaps desire for, independence and "to solve things myself". The lyrics also describe what such a self-sufficient mindset will inevitably result in. The first verse ends with "on my own strength I just got more blind," and in the second verse we see this leads to "learn[ing] to ignore you[God]." Building off these thoughts of the first set of verses, the second pair of verses discuss the condition of humanity apart from God. The lyrics assert that without God we lose our sense of identity, and our freedom 'to do as we please' becomes a prison.

The chorus talks of new life and hope found in God. The problems lamented in the verses, blindness and hardness of heart, are seen to be healed by God in the chorus. Unlike the verses which culminate with the words "there's no point to be", the chorus ends with the declaration God "truly changed my life." This contrast between the verses and the chorus, life with and without God, is further developed by the chords and the music theory of the song. The entire song is composed of only six chords: e minor, G Major, a minor, C Major, d minor, and F Major. These six chords are neighbors and relative Majors/minors around the circle of fifths (which is like the periodic table of elements for Music Theory).

Circle of 5th

By examining the chords of the song and comparing them with the lyrics, we see certain theological parallels emerge. We discover the F Major chord is the tonal focus of the song; it is the musical resolution which we are yearning for. The first occurrence of F Major happens on the first downbeat (strongest beat of a measure) of the chorus. Whereas the chords of the verses are predominantly minor and only weakly resolving, this first F Major in the chorus is the first strong resolution of the song. F Major is only found in the chorus, and in conjunction with the lyrics, represents our wholeness in God. After slogging through the confusion and unfulfilling tones of the verses we at last taste completion in F Major.

We also see that if F Major represents our fulfillment in God, e minor represents alienation from God. Of the six chords in the song, e minor is the chord furthest musically from F Major both around the circle of 5ths and by mode (Major/minor). E minor is also the most repeated chord in the verses, but is not present in the chorus. Throughout the verses we see chord pairs resolving toward e minor, and implicitly away from F Major. The progression from d minor to e minor in the second line of each verse presents us with a false attempt of resolving to G Major/e minor instead of F Major.

If F Major and e minor represent relationship and estrangement from God, respectively, then the a minor chord represents our current reality. A minor is the first chord of the song, the first and last chords of each verse, and the last chord of the chorus. It is present throughout the song,  and while it shares 2/3 of the tones with F Major chord (an a minor chord is composed of the notes A, C, and E but an F Major chord is constructed of F, A, C) it lacks the critical F pitch and instead contains an E pitch which is the leading tone (see note 1.) for F.

The chorus begins with F Major, a taste of fulfillment in God, but ends with a minor, reflecting our desire which is partially attained but not yet fully reached. We see throughout the song in the chorus, verse, and even the end that the song does not completely resolve. Just like each verse and each repetition of the chorus, the end of the song leaves us with a minor. We have experienced resolution, we have found what we sought in F Major, but we are not yet at rest there. Instead the song concludes unresolved, with us tempted to fall back in e minor and still yearning and struggling to find our home in God and F Major.

note 1. The leading tone is the note which wants to resolve to the tonic. This tension is what tonal music is based upon. Imagine singing a musical scale and then stopping on the second to last note, before returning to 'do'.

Prayer in  C 

 by Dora 

Verse 1            Am                              Em It’s a dark place where I come from                 Dm                Em I was searching for light                 C                     Em I had no help, on my own strength                 G             Am I just got more blind Verse 2  Am                Em I got angry couldn’t hear you Dm                    Em had to solve things myself C                    Em Slowly learned to ignore you G             Am but it made no sense    Chorus F                               C            You gave me new sight G                             Am convinced my heart F                              C your Word comes alive G                             Am it brings me new life F                              C You showed me your love G                             Am talked to my heart F                              C my only Lord my God G                             Am truly changed my life

Verse 3 Am                Em We can argue we can blame you Dm                    Em we can pretend not to see C                    Em we can’t catch you we don’t know who G             Am we’re meant to be  Verse 4 Am                Em we can all do what we want to Dm                    Em we think we break free C                    Em in our prison there’s no freedom G             Am there’s no point to be

My New Year's Resolution is Learning to Grieve Better (part 3)

It has been a while since I posted about my 2014 New Year’s Resolution of learning to grieve well (parts 1 and 2 here and here), and with 2014 drawing to a close here is one of the last two posts. On this side of 2014 I still have a lot to learn about grieving well.

I am inspired by Jesus’ words and actions in John 11. Word comes to Jesus that Lazarus, a dear friend of his, is sick, and in verse four Jesus begins by telling us the end of the story. “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” (John 11:4) are Jesus’ words. From the start everything Jesus does is rooted in His knowledge of how this will end. He knew Lazarus would live again and it would be for God's glory. So after the news of Lazarus’s sickness comes Jesus waits for Lazarus to die.

When at last Jesus arrives in the town of Bethany, and he meets Lazarus’ sisters Martha and Mary, he does not offer up vague platitudes. He does not make excuses or give well intended but empty words. He cries with them (John 11:35). Even though Jesus knows the sisters’ grief will soon be turned to awe, the Lord God Almighty-Creator of the Universe-now human, weeps with them. He is present with them in their grief. He is not bothered by their mourning or their lack of His eternal perspective, He is not uncomfortable with their emotions, He instead meets them where they are in their grief. And that is awesome. I want to be like Jesus for others. Just as the Lord has met with me in my times of grief, I want to be able to meet others too.

In 1 Corinthians 12:26 Paul writes “If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it” and again in Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” In a world where people are uncomfortable with each other’s grief, may we the Church incarnate the truth of being there with those who mourn, of grieving with those who grieve. May we be known as a Church who weeps well together.

I am still in the process of discovering how to embody this truth and follow Jesus in walking in the ways of His Kingdom. Will you walk with me? Can we as the Church walk together in our grief and learning to grieve?

Viral Gospel Part 2.

In Viral Gospel Part 1. I discussed the components of a virion (a virus particle) and what this can illustrate for us about the truth and expression of the Gospel and how to address the issues of false gospels and vaccination. Today’s post will delve more into the first century Palestinian context in which Jesus used the word “gospel”.

When Jesus started his ministry he was anything but ignorant of the cultural context into which he as the Savior had stepped. There are a few things we as aliens to this historic moment need to know. Palestine was an occupied land ruled by the Empire of Rome. It was a backwater territory in the vast empire, but an important trade-route, so despite the continuous thorn the Jews were in the side of Caesar the empire would not let this area go. The praetorium, the local center of the empire’s administration, taxation, and military housing in Jerusalem (where Jesus was brought before Pilate) was built next to and taller than God’s temple as a declaration to the subjected people of Israel who was truly Lord of the land.

It is important to understand when Jesus used the word “Gospel/Good news” which is a translation of the Greek word “εὐαγγέλιον” (euangelion), this word had very specific connotations. “Gospel” was Caesar’s word. “Gospel” was a declaration of victory, prosperity, or peace, and was an important aspect in the cult of Caesar. That’s right, cult of Caesar. Dating back to 42 B.C. when Julius Caesar was posthumously deified and Caesar Augustus declared himself “Son of God” it became the civil religion of the Empire to worship Caesar. Common civil duties like the meeting of the local assembly (Greek “ἐκκλησία”, ekklesia, the same word later used for “church” in the New Testament) and paying taxes to Caesar included worship of Caesar as God’s son (this adds some context to Jesus’ talk about rendering to Caesar and to God, but that will be another blog post). Below is a link to a picture of a denarius of Caesar Augustus Tiberius, Caesar at the time of Jesus’ ministry, with the inscription which translates “Caesar Augustus Tiberius, son of the Divine Augustus.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiberius#mediaviewer/File:Emperor_Tiberius_Denarius_-_Tribute_Penny.jpg

Jesus’ strategy with his word choice is similar to a virus exploiting a host cell. When a cell is infected with a virus, the viral nucleic acid seizes control of the cell’s machinery and repurposes it to begin creating viral proteins (which form new capsids, the protein shells of virions) and copies of the viral nucleic acid. When Jesus came rather than creating new terminology he hijacked Caesar's promises like a viral take over. He took these preexisting political words of his day, and he redefined them to illustrate the contrast and incompatibility between Kingdom and Empire. By using the word “gospel” Jesus was calling people to put their allegiance not in the empire with its military superiority, but in his kingdom; not in Caesar who ruled the world, but in the Messiah who came to die for and save the world. His goal was to expose the futility of weapons, selfish power, and war; to show another way of living was possible. Jesus’ subversive use of “gospel” foreshadowed his true purpose: demonstrating true power by dying at the hand of the empire’s war machine for those who do not deserve it.

Just as gospel was a declaration of victory accomplished, we can be confident in Jesus’ completed work of salvation. Caesar may have reigned over an empire spanning the known world, but Jesus’ death and resurrection prove He has come to save us and has conquered death. The Gospel continues to call us away from the lust of empire: comfort at the exploitation of others, military power, and control, and to die to ourselves and serve those who, like us, do not deserve it.