This post
continues my new year’s resolution of learning to grieve. I began writing about
grief with my own grief because it is important first grapple with this before
I consider engaging with anyone else’s. If I cannot process my own grief I
am likely to be a burden to those around me who are grieving, and there are
people around me who are hurting. This world is a broken place, it is
inevitable we and people we love will hurt and grieve.
My
experience is most of us do not know how to healthily grieve, at least not well
enough. I want to learn better how to process life when it is horrific, and I want to be able to help others when they are
experiencing the same. In grief, in the midst of our raw emotions, we need each other, and we have the unique opportunity to meet
this head on.
I think it
is important we own our grief when it comes; to be willing and comfortable to
acknowledge when we are in the agony of grief. We need to also be able to help others acknowledge their
grief. In general I find we are really uncomfortable with other’s pain. It
makes us very uneasy.
When
Emily and I were first married a lesson I had to learn (and am still learning)
is that it is okay for Emily to be upset. I cannot always fix the problem. Acting
or attempting to resolve the problem and working until I have does not solve
the problem. All it accomplishes is make Emily feel unheard, stifled, and
controlled by my inability to allow her to be upset. Sometimes we need to be
honest and upset, and we need to allow others the freedom to be upset. If
this is challenging over minor issues, we know it will be amplified several
orders of magnitude with grief.
Well
intended words like "everything happens for a reason" and "she's
in a better place" are garbage. They help no one. They only speak to someone’s
discomfort with another’s grief. Good intentions are nice, but if we are
serious about helping others, being there for others, we need to not settle for
good intentions. God's Kingdom is not built with good intentions. When we
have loss, when we have grief, we need to be honest and process through it. Well
intended words invalidate the suffering and grief of others. Doing so harms the
person and does not build the Kingdom of God. Emotional suppression is not healthy,
and Jesus came so we might be "whole/holy". I do not mean to condemn
those who offer up such well meant words, but I do mean to call us to do better
and seek to truly help people.
Instead of
offering vague words I want to be there. To sit with others in the midst of the
storm, when everything sucks, and cry with them. No one wants my empty words. I
think honestly the best thing I can offer is my presence. To be there. To
listen. If they want to talk we will talk; if they want to sit in silence we will
sit in silence. Maybe I can try making food, perhaps I should learn a few
casserole recipes to have in my repertoire for when the need arises.
