I don't know about
you, but January 1st 2017 was a very hard day for me. We have been in transition
since moving away from France last July and readjusting to life back in the US.
We originally planned to join some friends doing college ministry at UC Berkeley,
but in October, as we were struggling to raise the monthly support to afford
Berkeley prices, we learned that the Berkeley group was ending and our friends
were moving to work at another university. From our experiences visiting
Berkeley and talking with our friends, we knew this was God's timing. But where
did He have for us now? Surely He had not called us away from France only to
have us fall through the cracks in California?
We met with some
mentors and talked about our confusion, our options, and our next step. We
spent November and December seeking God and visiting different college
ministries to see where God was leading us. We prayed and fasted and sought the
Lord. In December God told us 'no' to one campus, so we turned to the idea of going
back to Sacramento where we had lived before moving to France. Less than a week
before Christmas, I spoke with our friend Jimmy, who is the current leader of the
college ministry in Sacramento, about us joining the staff. We had a great dinner
with the staff, shared about ourselves, and they agreed to pray about us coming
on with them. So we found ourselves waiting to hear what God would say to them.
Which brings us to
January 1st. I woke up to this new year and realized nothing was what I had
expected it would be. We were still living in the mother-in-law unit at my
in-laws. We were waiting to hear if Sacramento was where God was leading
us. To top it off, we have been trying to have a baby and that morning we
had our hopes up enough to take a pregnancy test only for the results to be
"not pregnant."
We arrived at church
and the chorus/bridge to the first or second song was "you[God]'re never
going to let me down." And I could not sing it. I knew these words were true from an eternal perspective, but in that
moment at church I could not say it. I was not angry with God, but I was
deeply disappointed. Amidst repetitions of "you're never
going to let me down," I was reminded of the story from John 11.
I love John 11 and the
story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I love that from the beginning Jesus clearly knows the end of the story. He even tries to spoil it for the
disciples by telling them "this illness [of Lazarus] does not lead to
death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified
through it," (Jn 11.4). Then Jesus waits for Lazarus to die (Jn 11.6).
When Jesus finally
arrives in Bethany, Lazarus's sisters, Martha and Mary, each come to him and
say "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died," (Jn
11.21,32).
And then Jesus joins
with their weeping, (Jn 11.35).
Jesus already knows
how this story ends, he gave it away at the beginning. He is God and he knows
he is about to go call Lazarus back from death. But Jesus's eternal perspective
does not prevent him from identifying with their sorrow. He empathizes with
their pain.
I love this about
Jesus. He loves us and he is with us. He understands when we find ourselves in a dark valley surrounded by hardships. He does not reprimand us for our feelings. He cries with us. He feels our pain.
Jesus's incarnation demonstrates how far God will go to empathize with us and
show his love.
As I stood there at church, not
singing "you're never going to let me down," I felt God tell me that
I was being like Martha and Mary, saying 'Lord, if you had been
here...everything would not be going wrong right now.' God then said "I
understand your pain, I get it, and I am with you."
We came to the ending/outro
of the song, which says "when the night is holding on to me, God is hold
on." And I could sing this, because I know God is with me. Nothing had changed, we still were not pregnant and did not know where God was leading us. God never
promises life will be easy, but He does say He is with us. Even when the
hurt and the sadness are not yet resolved, God still holds onto us. He knows
the good end of the story, He knows His will and timing, and He identifies with
us now.
Praise God we can be
open and vulnerable with Him, we can share our feelings, and we can have hope
in who He is.
The song quotes come
from “King of My Heart” by John and Sarah Mcmillan
