Thoughts on Turning Thirty

I turn thirty tomorrow and want to share a few thoughts on the subject of leaving one decade for another. Getting older has never bothered me, and whenever someone asks what are my feelings about turning twenty-two, twenty-five, etc. I like to joke it “beats the alternative.”

It is strange to think it has been ten years since I left my teen years behind, but I was ready for that transition and I feel ready for this one too. There are a few things which are affecting my preparation for the completion of my tridecennial year.

The first is I have enjoyed my twenties. There is the idea your twenties are a time of self-discovery, personal reflection, adventure, and trying new things, and I have loved these aspects of my last decade. I have questioned, explored and contemplated who I am, and my life has been enriched by this process. Looking back, it is hard to believe who I was ten years ago, in many ways I hardly recognize the 20 year-old Tim, and I am okay with that. I am relieved to not be the same person I was then. Having enjoyed this season of learning, I am ready to move on. I do not want to keep asking the same questions forever. I have some ideas now of who I am, what I love, and what I want to do with my life. I feel I have accomplished the goal of my "self-discovery twenties." Now is the time for my thirties, a season of launching out into what I feel called to do, becoming who I want to be, and the beginning of those things which my twenties have prepared me for.

I have been basing these ideas about the nature of our twenties and thirties off of what I have observed and what I have read from sociologists and bloggers, but I also realize it was at the age of thirty when Jesus began his three years of ministry. Jesus, in part, was following the rabbinic traditions of his time (which specified not beginning ministry until thirty) and I think this tradition acknowledges the same anticipation I feel now. This does not mean I am prepared or expect to not make any more mistakes or discoveries, I most certainly will. I do not feel like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, but I do feel like a fledgling bird ready to try jumping out of the nest.

The second factor is that I have completed the major life goals I had hoped to accomplish by now. I was twenty-five when Emily and I were married and we had hoped to wait five years(ish) before having children, and we also wanted to live in Europe for two years. We have enjoyed this time of being married without children (no, we are not pregnant!), and we have lived in France for eighteen months now. God has been good and my life has unfolded, for the most part, as I had hoped.

The third thing is I am curious who 40 year-old Tim will be. What goals and dreams, adventures and misadventures, lie between me now and me then? Just as I look back on myself ten years ago and think “wow, I have come a long way,” I hope in ten years I will be able to do the same. This is not a reflection of dissatisfaction with who I am at the present, but a desire to not be static as a person. I hope I have not “peaked” at thirty.

So here's to being thirty and the adventures to come!

Stuck in the Present

When Emily and I first decided to move to France I was excited; not only was this the opportunity to live in Europe which we had dreamed of, but France is the home of such delights as croissants, pain au chocolat (chocolate croissants), baguettes, and a range of other delicious foods besides pastries. I only had one concern: I do not speak French.

Having growing up in California, when it came time for me to study a foreign language in high school I chose Spanish. Now with our plans to move to France I sought out various options and resources for learning this new language. I found a few helpful, and free, websites which taught me a lot of useful words, and I poured time and brainpower into learning French.

When we arrived in France I certainly did not know much French, but I knew a few key words and phrases like “ou sont les toilettes?” (where is the bathroom?), “bonjour” (hello), and “comment ça va?” (how are you?). I also soon learned other important phrases like “je voudrais ______” (I would like…. a hamburger, some water, cold medicine, etc.)

But when it came to verb conjugations all I knew was present tense. At first I thought this tense would serve a purpose. It had not until my second year of Spanish class in high school that I had learned the past tense, so certainly the French present tense would carry me through some conversations right?

Turns out the present tense is only helpful if you want to narrate your life as it occurs, but the moment someone makes small talk by asking “comment était ta journée?” (how was your day?) or “qu'est-ce que tu as fait aujourd'hui? (what did you do today?) you are reduced to sounding like an idiot saying “je mange…j’écris une lettre …je voudrais dire quelque chose!” (I eat, I write a letter… I would like to say something!). In conversations I was made into a near-mute, unable to use words to express myself. I was stuck in the present tense.

After living in France for two months we started language school and at last I started learning the beloved passé composé (the tense used for finite events in the past and analogues to the preterito in Spanish). Now I could say “j’ai mangé et j’ai écrit une lettre” (I ate and I wrote a letter). Next came imparfait which is used for descriptions and for reoccurring events in the past. Now I could understand and answer the question “how was your day?” (comment était ta journée?). Futur proche opened the door for describing near future events. No longer was I stuck in the present, I could speak French in four dimensions!

I am still learning French and have tons more to learn. I have developed relationships with a few more verb tenses (turns out the conditional and simple future sound the same in spoken French). It may be I have only scratched the surface of French, but as I dig deeper I am ever growing in my ability to express myself. The constraints of time no longer bind my speech. I am finding my voice again, now in French.

(this post was originally published on my new writing blog: tholdenkamp.wordpress.com)

Response to "Prayer in C"

Today I thought I would share some thoughts, music theory, and theology from a song written by my friend Dora. Her song title "Prayer in C" is a response to the original song "Prayer in C" by the band Lilly Wood and the Prick.

The original lyrics speak of resentment toward God for His perceived silence and lack of involvement in the world. I was struck by the song's repeat lines "don't think I[singer] could forgive you[God]" and "don't think I could believe you."

In response to this catchy but cynical song, Dora wrote her own "Prayer in C". I love this idea. Too often when we encounter something we do not like: song, movie, philosophy, etc. we want to criticize or mock it; to play by the same rules which govern Junior High. Instead Dora created a new song. She did not agree with the ideas being told by original lyrics so she wrote her own to tell a different story. We need to engage with our culture, the arts, and the narratives we are being told.

(Scroll to the bottom to see the lyrics and chords to Dora's song)

Soteriology represented by F(major), a(minor), and e(minor)

Dora's song is written as a monologue to God and structured as two verses, chorus, a second two verses, and a repeat of the chorus. The first pair of verses and the chorus use the pronouns "You" (God) and "I"(the singer) to speaks of singer's personal experiences, while the second two verses shifts the first-person "I" to the plural "We" and addresses broader issues of the human condition.

The contrast between the verses and the chorus, created by alternating of these two sections, is further developed by lyrical distinction. The verses describe the thoughts of someone who, like the singer of the original song by Lilly Wood and the Prick, feels alone and abandoned by God while trying to make sense of life in this world. The first two verses begin with candid acknowledgment of the broken state of the world, whether considering either the spiritual or the natural realities. They also speak of a sense of, and perhaps desire for, independence and "to solve things myself". The lyrics also describe what such a self-sufficient mindset will inevitably result in. The first verse ends with "on my own strength I just got more blind," and in the second verse we see this leads to "learn[ing] to ignore you[God]." Building off these thoughts of the first set of verses, the second pair of verses discuss the condition of humanity apart from God. The lyrics assert that without God we lose our sense of identity, and our freedom 'to do as we please' becomes a prison.

The chorus talks of new life and hope found in God. The problems lamented in the verses, blindness and hardness of heart, are seen to be healed by God in the chorus. Unlike the verses which culminate with the words "there's no point to be", the chorus ends with the declaration God "truly changed my life." This contrast between the verses and the chorus, life with and without God, is further developed by the chords and the music theory of the song. The entire song is composed of only six chords: e minor, G Major, a minor, C Major, d minor, and F Major. These six chords are neighbors and relative Majors/minors around the circle of fifths (which is like the periodic table of elements for Music Theory).

Circle of 5th

By examining the chords of the song and comparing them with the lyrics, we see certain theological parallels emerge. We discover the F Major chord is the tonal focus of the song; it is the musical resolution which we are yearning for. The first occurrence of F Major happens on the first downbeat (strongest beat of a measure) of the chorus. Whereas the chords of the verses are predominantly minor and only weakly resolving, this first F Major in the chorus is the first strong resolution of the song. F Major is only found in the chorus, and in conjunction with the lyrics, represents our wholeness in God. After slogging through the confusion and unfulfilling tones of the verses we at last taste completion in F Major.

We also see that if F Major represents our fulfillment in God, e minor represents alienation from God. Of the six chords in the song, e minor is the chord furthest musically from F Major both around the circle of 5ths and by mode (Major/minor). E minor is also the most repeated chord in the verses, but is not present in the chorus. Throughout the verses we see chord pairs resolving toward e minor, and implicitly away from F Major. The progression from d minor to e minor in the second line of each verse presents us with a false attempt of resolving to G Major/e minor instead of F Major.

If F Major and e minor represent relationship and estrangement from God, respectively, then the a minor chord represents our current reality. A minor is the first chord of the song, the first and last chords of each verse, and the last chord of the chorus. It is present throughout the song,  and while it shares 2/3 of the tones with F Major chord (an a minor chord is composed of the notes A, C, and E but an F Major chord is constructed of F, A, C) it lacks the critical F pitch and instead contains an E pitch which is the leading tone (see note 1.) for F.

The chorus begins with F Major, a taste of fulfillment in God, but ends with a minor, reflecting our desire which is partially attained but not yet fully reached. We see throughout the song in the chorus, verse, and even the end that the song does not completely resolve. Just like each verse and each repetition of the chorus, the end of the song leaves us with a minor. We have experienced resolution, we have found what we sought in F Major, but we are not yet at rest there. Instead the song concludes unresolved, with us tempted to fall back in e minor and still yearning and struggling to find our home in God and F Major.

note 1. The leading tone is the note which wants to resolve to the tonic. This tension is what tonal music is based upon. Imagine singing a musical scale and then stopping on the second to last note, before returning to 'do'.

Prayer in  C 

 by Dora 

Verse 1            Am                              Em It’s a dark place where I come from                 Dm                Em I was searching for light                 C                     Em I had no help, on my own strength                 G             Am I just got more blind Verse 2  Am                Em I got angry couldn’t hear you Dm                    Em had to solve things myself C                    Em Slowly learned to ignore you G             Am but it made no sense    Chorus F                               C            You gave me new sight G                             Am convinced my heart F                              C your Word comes alive G                             Am it brings me new life F                              C You showed me your love G                             Am talked to my heart F                              C my only Lord my God G                             Am truly changed my life

Verse 3 Am                Em We can argue we can blame you Dm                    Em we can pretend not to see C                    Em we can’t catch you we don’t know who G             Am we’re meant to be  Verse 4 Am                Em we can all do what we want to Dm                    Em we think we break free C                    Em in our prison there’s no freedom G             Am there’s no point to be

Grief in France and thoughts on Charlie

            I first became aware of Charlie Hebdo when I heard about the terrorist attack on January 7^th. My initial response was unattached; twelve people dead is tragic, but tragedy happens all the time.

            But for my French friends around me it was not something to be unattached about, it was personal. It was an attack in their nation. It was the targeted assassination of well known and dearly loved public figures. I think this is inpart why the cry for solidarity has been “Je suis Charlie” (I am Charlie), because so many people can identify with those killed at Charlie Hebdo. I have heard stories of people who grew up reading comics and articles by those killed, whether published by Charlie Hebdo or in other magazines. Satire and the idea no subject is too sacred to escape mocking is a deeply held French value; it seems to date back at least to the writings of Voltaire and the Enlightenment which are both at the core of the French identity. Regardless of opinions concerning this freedom of speech, the attack on Charlie Hebdo feels like an assault on French values and culture. France is not my country, but it is my host country. French culture is not my culture, but it is my friends’ culture. So I want to stand with my friends and grieve this attack.

            My concern now is what the backlash will be. We panic when something as foundational as our culture or worldview is threatened. France is characterized by a unique brand of militant secularism known as laïcité which seeks to restrict the expression of personal beliefs in a public setting. This philosophy confronted with the large North African Muslim population now living within France has made anti-immigrant sentiments and questions of religious freedoms into hot topics of debate since before we arrived in France. I fear this new attack will only fuel the view religion is fundamentally incompatible with French culture, and spur a rise in actions against immigrants, specifically North-Africans, and Muslims. Already laïcité and Islamophobia place restrictions on religions of any sort.

            The Muslim community in France is as deeply grieved by this attack as the rest of the French people, but now bears the added weight put on them by political powers and mob mentality. Extremists, both those who plotted the attack as well as the National Front (the ultraconservative, nationalistic, and Islamophobic political party), want to use this attack to divide the people of France and further their agendas. They want to force Muslims to say either they condone Charlie’s images against Islam and condemn Wednesday’s attack, or they condemn the images and condone the attack. But this is a false dichotomy, and many Muslims feel caught in the middle. A Muslim friend of mine said he has been hurt three times now: first when Charlie Hebdo published their cartoons, second was the attack on Wednesday, and now a third time when people began saying all Muslims are terrorists.

            People have also begun spreading “Je ne suis pas Charlie” (I am not Charlie) on social media as a reaction to those killed at Charlie being viewed as martyrs of free speech. In the wake of this attack people are questioning and responding to the previous published works of Charlie Hebdo. The tension which erupted with the attack is still lingering and everyone is in a reactive mood. It has been noted social media polarizes people and viewpoints; we either agree 100% or we are opponents. People feel the need to critique and comment upon every single point of deviation they may have with another person’s thoughts. Add this to something has volatile as Charlie Hebdo, and we get a potential social media storm with overly defined and simplistic battle lines dividing people.

            This is missing the true need right now. Whether the past actions of those at Charlie Hebdo were wise, disrespectful, funny, or imprudent is not the issue. Twelve people are dead in what was an attack on a cultural value. We do not have to agree 100% with Charlie Hebdo’s policies to be grieved by this attack or to mourn with those around us. “Je ne suis pas Charlie” at worst seems to say those who died deserved it, and at best invalidates the grief of everyone affected by the attack. It may not be meant as invalidation of others' grief, but it is perceived as such, and I cannot agree with that. Now is not the time to ponder Charlie Hebdo’s policies, it is a time to mourn together. If you do not feel comfortable changing your profile picture to “Je suis Charlie” don’t, but please do not nullify another’s grief. Division will not bring peace; it will spark only violence and fear. Our only hope is that we can love others and work together through this.

            Please pray for France: pray for unity, peace, and understanding.

My New Year's Resolution is Learning to Grieve Better (part 4)

The conversation about grief and learning how to healthily grieve does not end with the close of 2014. And I obviously do not know everything. But over this last year I have accumulated this list of blog posts and articles I have found helpful and thought provoking. I hope you too find these of assistance. If you know of or find other resources on learning to grieve, please post them in the comment section.

(Links are in no particular order)

• http://www.alifeoverseas.com/outlawed-grief-a-curse-disguised/
• http://sarahbessey.com/depression-fault/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/02/should-we-medicate-grief-2/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/08/grief-shaming-why-some-people-believe-your-grief-over-robin-williams-is-misguided/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/05/if-youre-dealing-with-complicated-grief-seek-first-your-therapist-not-your-pastor-2/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/06/when-is-the-last-time-you-had-one-of-these/
• http://sarahbessey.com/learning-obey-sadness/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/03/10-reasons-we-are-not-vulnerable-with-each-other/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/04/eight-examples-of-disenfranchised-grief/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/03/grief-online-the-dos-and-donts-of-internet-etiquette/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2013/12/11-worst-and-best-things-to-say-at-a-funeral-3/
• http://sarahbessey.com/lament-sandy-hook/
• http://www.calebwilde.com/2014/12/surviving-grief-and-the-holidays/