Besides the humbling process of being the guest in a foreign country, in our case France, living cross-culturally has helped humble me by bringing to light some of the sin and spiritual junk inside me. It is amazing all that we can keep bottled up and under control when we are living at home in the world we have grown up in, but take that level of comfort away, expose yourself to the endless drain of culture stress, and it is amazing what flaws and fears will bubble up to the surface. With the loss of cultural fluency and the ensuing powerlessness in the host culture, these character weaknesses are revealed. I believe this process has very little to do with the host country. France has been our crucible, but any country or place sufficiently different from our native lands will suffice for this process. While this is a hard process to endure, refinement always is, it is good. Exposing these faults to the light allows us to humbly surrender them to Holy Spirit’s work of sanctification. One example that God has shown me while in France is my anxiety.
779 days ago before we left for France, I would not have described myself as an anxious person. Today I have seen what a deep issue this was for me. The loss of my home culture created a profound awareness of my lack of control. This spurred in me the belief I had to control anything and everything I could. The only way to ensure something would work was to control for every detail possible. My anxiety drove me to control what I could and stress over the variables I could not. I had trouble falling asleep or waking in the middle of the night worrying. ‘What if I am missing some necessary piece of paperwork to renew our visas and our applications are denied and then we have to flee the country or face becoming illegal immigrants but we cannot find a way home so we are stuck living in some remote airport for all eternity?’ My mind would play these scenarios over and over. And once that crisis was over I would find a new subject to dwell on in the night: buying train tickets, finding someone to translate for me at an event, making it on time somewhere, paying taxes, etc.
But God was good and He began to work in me with regards to my anxiety. He first revealed that my anxiety stemmed from the belief that God was only with me on the macro scale; I knew He would be faithful with big picture things, but what about the day-to-day events? God had called us to France but what if that turned out to include a season where we had to wait in administrative purgatory until our papers were processed because of a mistake I made? I knew God loved me, but how did I know if I would be able to go home on vacation and see my family? Did I have a guarantee for such a small thing, and if not how could I ensure things worked out as I wanted? I believed I had to control these details.
Slowly God worked in me; through prayer and continuous laying down of my fears He eased my anxieties and showed Himself to be faithful both on the macro and micro scales. Because we have lived in France so long, I have been able to measure the progress of God’s transformation in me. We have had to renew our French visas twice now. The first time, a year ago, I was an emotional wreck and everything went fine. This year we had some hiccups with paperwork, had to come back a few weeks later and reapply, but I had God’s peace the entire time.
Surrendering my worry and trusting God continues to be an active choice I make; it is not yet “natural” for me, but God is faithful to walk with me through this process. Last week as we waited to pick up our new visa cards I felt the urge to worry what if the cards were not ready, and if not would that affect our ability to go home this Christmas? But I was able to brush these thoughts aside, to not allow them any headroom, and remind myself God was with me. I am learning to rely on God’s goodness and faithfulness, and I have been changed by His work in me.
I say all this to show a surprising benefit to living cross-culturally and share how God is using my circumstances to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him. How is God using your circumstances to change you? How have you seen the progress He is making?
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