Pandemic Culture Stress: Guest Post by Emily Oldenkamp

Pandemic Culture Stress

By Emily Oldenkamp

The world has been on lockdown due to the pandemic. We were asked to stay at home and not resume our day-to-day activities for the time being. As the days raced on at the pace of a snail, I started to get a familiar feeling. The shelter in place new normal reminded me of an old normal I had. In 2013, my husband and I moved to a country where we did not speak the language to help with a ministry there for a few years. Being far from family and in a completely new environment where we could not ask strangers what was going on was stressful and stretched us in ways we did not anticipate.

            One of the challenges of living in a new culture is culture stress, which is the discomfort of not understanding the way of life we are surrounded by. Culture shock is the big moments of frustration with the new culture, but culture stress is a continual sense of being foreign. With culture stress, you feel like you are missing the context, expectations, traditions, jokes, language, or general how-to of everyday interactions. When you get it wrong at best the outcome is you seem dumb and at worst you seem rude. One of the results of culture stress can be isolation.

            The pandemic has changed many things in our daily lives, and even as places begin to reopen it is a different world out there than it was six months ago. A friend once described culture stress as the feeling of a constant low-grade fever. It is always present to some degree and it can drain emotional, social, and physical energy. I have brainstormed a list of experiences I had living abroad and I wonder if any of them will sound familiar to your experiences the last few months of lockdown. If you have lived cross-culturally, these may be familiar to you and you can draw on your experience moving forward as our communities reopen. If you plan to live cross-culturally one day, you can draw on your experiences this year to help you acclimate to your new home.

·      Going outdoors can feel uncertain- how will I mess up and what will the consequences be?

·      Learning how things are done ‘here’

·      Grocery shopping is difficult because you do not know where to get things or the proper etiquette or protocol

·      Routines are disrupted and need to be reestablished 

·      Doing basic things suddenly becomes complicated

o   It can feel embarrassing when you make a mistake that seems like kids should understand not to do

·      Spending a lot of time at home with your family/housemates

·      Having very little face-to-face interaction for a time as you adjust to this new context

·      Seeing family and friends only via screens and video

·      Seeing others on social media doing things you wish you could join but you feel a million miles away

·      Missing traditional holiday activities or special events

·      Being stuck with yourself and any unhealthy coping skills you have such as avoidance, numbing, self-loathing, etc.

·      Only feeling safe and secure at home

·      Not being sure what the future will look like, how long the hard part will last, and how long you can handle it

·      Knowing the only way out is through

Moving forward, as we engage in the world outside our doors, we will have to discover the new culture and norms being formed. There will be a big adjustment period of learning “how things are done here” and everyone will be adjusting together, wondering if things are the same or changed, and worried about how others will respond. Do we shake hands or just wave? Will I offend someone for wearing a mask or not wearing a mask? How do we form lines? What are the expectations for eating at a restaurant?

            One day, when we lived abroad and were feeling particularly out of place due to culture stress, my husband bit into a banana and exclaimed, “bananas taste the same here!” We were so used to everything big and small being slightly different from what we expected that it was a welcome surprise to have familiarity. The truth is, we adapted to our new home and many things that initially caused culture stress became our new normal. We adjusted to our context and were able to build a life there. Whatever new context we may find ourselves in, whether from COVID-19 or an international move, we can persevere and flourish.

Sabbathing Well

I am by no means an expert on sabbath, either the theological concept or the implementation of this concept, but I wanted to share some thoughts on sabbath that I find helpful. This essay is intended as much as a future resource for me as anyone else.

There is a lot I could same about sabbath that I will save for another post. God in His infinite wisdom has been very good to us by telling us to take a day off and trust Him, not our perception of our control, to keep the world spinning. The Bible is full of God’s evidence why we need sabbath and why it was made for us (Mark 2.27).

I first started observing a sabbath in university. Ever Friday after class, I was free to do whatever I wanted. In the weeks around midterm season, when this time was most threatened or neglected, I found that I quickly grew discouraged. There were weeks where every hour for at least seven days was assigned a task; there was no room for margin or error, and this would become overwhelming. By having one afternoon, just part of a day to relax, I was able to diffuse the pressure and the monotony surrounding me. No matter how busy I was, I had my Friday afternoons to have fun. This same scenario continued after university when I began working with Chi Alpha Campus Ministries. God knew we needed sabbath and we never outgrow this need.

I am currently working with Chi Alpha while going to grad school part time. Balancing these two potentially fulltime endeavors has put my sabbath observance to the test. I remember the first few weekends once grad school started being tempted not to take a sabbath. There was ministry work and classwork piling up, how could I take a day off? I tried this one weekend and clearly remember God, during my prayer time, telling me this was an unwise choice. Yes, I was busier than I had been, but He knew that I still needed rest. If I was going to survive, I still needed sabbath. Since then, I have done my best to honor God’s command. There are some weeks this is not possible such as our weekend fall retreat in October or SALT conference in January, but these are the exception not the norm and the Lord knows the intention of my heart.

An important principle I have found with my experiences of sabbath is recreation. The goal of sabbath is to rest; to rest and trust God. A lot of time we think sabbath should be free and unrestricted time. I find that unrestricted time often turns into unintentional time which becomes wasted time. Instead, I am very intentional about how I spend my sabbath. I want my sabbath to be purposeful. To do this, I differentiate between entertainment and recreation. Entertainment is fun. It is good in moderation, but counterproductive when overindulged in like candy. Our society is great at pointing us toward (and selling us) entertainment. There is less focus on recreation.

By recreation, I do not only mean going to a park or participating in an organized sport, although these activities could qualify. My focus is on the idea of re-creation; finding what activities help me or others to rebuild our hearts, minds, and souls that are tired after the week’s work. An easy question to ask is what is lifegiving? What are activities that make me feel refreshed after spending an hour or two? I love watching movies, but after a couple of hours I begin to feel antsy. But I can write or read for a few hours and feel more energetic and accomplished afterward. As I said, moderation is important. Some people can participate in one recreational activity for hours and feel rested; I often need to do a few things for a few hours to feel the most rested. I also believe that creativity is an important part of sabbathing. God has made us to be creative and activities where we get to express this God-given creativity are often recreational. It can be as simple taking a fun photo to post on Instagram, it does not have to be some grand artistic feat. I have an Instagram account where I create scenes and take pictures of Lego people and I usually only get to do this on my sabbath.

To brainstorm recreational activities, I keep a list of things that I wish I had time to do during the busy work week. If I had more time, what would I want to spend my time doing? I then filter this list through the question will I feel accomplished afterward? If the answer is ‘yes,’ then this activity is a good candidate for sabbatical recreation.

I keep a list of activities on my phone to help me be purposeful with my sabbaths. I also add to this list, for a given week, if there is something specific that I wish I had time for. The items on my current list are:

·       Pray

·       Walk Hobbit (our dog)

·       Write (fiction)

·       Read [current theological or faith-building book]

·       Read fiction

·       Get donuts

·       Lego instagram

·       Yard work

·       Water the air plants

·       Bake something

·       Make sugar cubes

This is my current list. During a given sabbath time, I will pull up this list and check through some of the activities. I do not usually get to all these items in one sabbath. That is fine; this list is to help me remember what is recreational for me and not some goal I must strive for. But as I spend time on some of these activities, I do feel accomplished and purposeful. At the end of my sabbath, I can reflect on my time and feel satisfied with the fun things I had time to do because of my sabbath.

Marriage, Birth, and Trinity

            Today is Emily and my ninth wedding anniversary. We are also expecting our daughter, our first child, to be born any day now. As I reflect on these last nine years and the exciting new season we are about to enter, I am once again amazed at how beautifully God has made marriage and family to be a picture of Himself and His good purpose for creation.

            From the love, commitment, and deep intimate relationship between Emily and me, new life has come. Our love for each other overflows and produces new life. Our daughter’s existence is an outworking of the relationship Emily and I have with each other.

            While paling in comparison to the full infinite grandeur of God, the example of our marriage bringing forth new life reflects who God is and His creation. As the triune God, He is by nature in deep intimate community. Before time, gravity, electrons, or the color green, God has been in perfect relationship with Himself. There has always been deep intimate love between the members of the trinity, and it is from this profound love that all of creation is derived. God does not need us, we are not essential to God’s existence, but instead we are the fruit of the overflow of the love between the trinity. God’s love and communion with Himself overflows and brings forth creation and new life. All of time and space exists because of God’s love in the same way that our daughter’s existence is rooted in the love between Emily and me. God has never needed creation, but in God’s love and goodness He wanted creation. The trinity’s love is so deep that God wants to share His love with us.

            How beautiful it is to think that God in His wisdom has created marriage and birth so that they can reflect this loving nature about Himself.

A Year Since We Returned, But I Never Came Home

It’s been a year since Emily and I left Grenoble France and returned to our native California. There have been a lot of ups and downs in this process of repatriation. It has been wonderful regularly seeing family; there is no substitute for proximity. Reverse culture shock is no joke.

We returned a year ago, but I never came “home” to the place I once knew. I came back changed and I came back to a changed California. Three years had passed, and though we had been back to visit, some of the changes were too subtle to notice during these short returns. It’s a bit like the uncanny valley if you are familiar with the term. There are idioms and pop-culture references we have had to catch up on. Our home culture did not pause while we were away.

Reverse culture shock is a strange experience. I have felt like an outsider in my home. I remember being surprised with how big the cars and the roads are here. My Honda accord would be a big car in France, and it is dwarfed by some of the trucks and SUV’s driving around our ten lane freeways. Also, there is always music playing. Everywhere. I remember feeling very unsettled when there was pop music blasting at the grocery store. Why is there music while I’m buying food? The worst is at restaurants. It is sometimes impossible to have a conversation because the music is not just present but drowning out all other sound. As Americans, are we so afraid of boredom or awkward silence? But as we have been back, these acute moments of culture shock have mostly subsided (a few weeks ago I did find myself confused why the store only sold 10-gallon trash bags instead of 30-liter ones).

I love being close to family and our friends here; we have missed seeing so many wonderful people. It has been wonderful to catch up on important relationships in our lives. I love where we live now, but my heart still longs for Grenoble. After 990 days of living in Grenoble, we had established our home, for the most part, in this city. We had our routines, our habits, and our favorite shops and cafés. We knew how to get around town and take care of various tasks. We loved living in Grenoble so much, and this beautiful city, capital of the French Alps, will forever have a special place in our hearts. I miss being surrounded by mountains. I miss our friends. I miss walking down the street to my favorite boulangerie and buying fresh pastries and bread. I miss being surrounded by people speaking French and the opportunity to be immersed in a new culture, though it was exhausting to be an outsider. Most of all, the opportunity to work and learn from Mark, Dalene, and so many others there, has changed me for the better. I will never stop missing these friends and our time together in the alps.

We left one home for another and returned to the first with my sense of home divided between these two locales. I don’t know if I can be fully at home in either place now. The answer is not simply move back to France (we are not), because I would miss my family, friends, and my home in California. But I am also not fully content to be here either. At first, this sense of wandering between homes left me feeling lost. I have come to accept it as my new norm, a part of processing and my life building upon our time in Grenoble. This realization has helped me accept the desire to only be where God has us for that time. So I am learning to be content with feeling like native and a foreigner, and being excited and sad to be in California and away from Grenoble. And I rejoice to live where God has for us.

To our friends and family, near and far, we love you. Our lives are richer because you are a part of it. I hope that you too will be content to follow God wherever He leads you.

January 1st and John 11

I don't know about you, but January 1st 2017 was a very hard day for me. We have been in transition since moving away from France last July and readjusting to life back in the US. We originally planned to join some friends doing college ministry at UC Berkeley, but in October, as we were struggling to raise the monthly support to afford Berkeley prices, we learned that the Berkeley group was ending and our friends were moving to work at another university. From our experiences visiting Berkeley and talking with our friends, we knew this was God's timing. But where did He have for us now? Surely He had not called us away from France only to have us fall through the cracks in California?

We met with some mentors and talked about our confusion, our options, and our next step. We spent November and December seeking God and visiting different college ministries to see where God was leading us. We prayed and fasted and sought the Lord. In December God told us 'no' to one campus, so we turned to the idea of going back to Sacramento where we had lived before moving to France. Less than a week before Christmas, I spoke with our friend Jimmy, who is the current leader of the college ministry in Sacramento, about us joining the staff. We had a great dinner with the staff, shared about ourselves, and they agreed to pray about us coming on with them. So we found ourselves waiting to hear what God would say to them.

Which brings us to January 1st. I woke up to this new year and realized nothing was what I had expected it would be. We were still living in the mother-in-law unit at my in-laws. We were waiting to hear if Sacramento was where God was leading us. To top it off, we have been trying to have a baby and that morning we had our hopes up enough to take a pregnancy test only for the results to be "not pregnant." 

We arrived at church and the chorus/bridge to the first or second song was "you[God]'re never going to let me down." And I could not sing it. I knew these words were true from an eternal perspective, but in that moment at church I could not say it. I was not angry with God, but I was deeply disappointed. Amidst repetitions of "you're never going to let me down," I was reminded of the story from John 11.

I love John 11 and the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I love that from the beginning Jesus clearly knows the end of the story. He even tries to spoil it for the disciples by telling them "this illness [of Lazarus] does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it," (Jn 11.4). Then Jesus waits for Lazarus to die (Jn 11.6).

When Jesus finally arrives in Bethany, Lazarus's sisters, Martha and Mary, each come to him and say "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died," (Jn 11.21,32).

And then Jesus joins with their weeping, (Jn 11.35).

Jesus already knows how this story ends, he gave it away at the beginning. He is God and he knows he is about to go call Lazarus back from death. But Jesus's eternal perspective does not prevent him from identifying with their sorrow. He empathizes with their pain. 

I love this about Jesus. He loves us and he is with us. He understands when we find ourselves in a dark valley surrounded by hardships. He does not reprimand us for our feelings. He cries with us. He feels our pain. Jesus's incarnation demonstrates how far God will go to empathize with us and show his love.

As I stood there at church, not singing "you're never going to let me down," I felt God tell me that I was being like Martha and Mary, saying 'Lord, if you had been here...everything would not be going wrong right now.' God then said "I understand your pain, I get it, and I am with you."

We came to the ending/outro of the song, which says "when the night is holding on to me, God is hold on." And I could sing this, because I know God is with me. Nothing had changed, we still were not pregnant and did not know where God was leading us. God never promises life will be easy, but He does say He is with us. Even when the hurt and the sadness are not yet resolved, God still holds onto us. He knows the good end of the story, He knows His will and timing, and He identifies with us now.

Praise God we can be open and vulnerable with Him, we can share our feelings, and we can have hope in who He is.

The song quotes come from “King of My Heart” by John and Sarah Mcmillan